Why You Shouldn’t Trust a Hobbit to Take Payments

It’s here. The third installment of The Hobbit. And while we can’t argue with the glory of certain hobbit characteristics (namely, ale, food, and celebrations), we’ve got to admit there are a few good reasons why you shouldn’t rely on one to handle your payments.

Love of Jests

First of all, hobbits love jests. This makes them awesome friends and perfect for pranks, but maybe not the greatest picks for handling your payments. After all, who needs a payment processor that might suddenly trade out your transactions for whoopee cushions or rubber chickens? I suppose there’s always room in life for rubber chickens, but maybe not with your credit cards.

Fond of Bartering

Additionally, it has been suggested that hobbits may prefer to barter. This makes them pretty poor candidates for payment processing, as they probably don’t fully understand the payments industry. Word on the street is they do have some coins, but we’re talking about accepting electronic payments here, full eChecks and credit card transactions, and you wouldn’t trust high volumes to someone who’d rather just swap goods. I’m sure middle earth might be a bit behind on payment innovations, anyway.

Tendency to Disappear

Another unfortunate characteristic (for payment processing, at least) is the hobbit’s tendency to disappear. While this is quite handy in nearly all other situations, for merchants and payment customers, this can be a nightmare. You need your payment processor to be visible and steady, not willing to just sneak off in the night.

Bewildered by Machinery

Hobbits don’t really do much with machinery outside of, apparently, things like the hand loom and the forge bellows. This can’t be good for business. You need a processor that’s well-versed in technology, able to adjust and expand their offerings and products when needed. You also need a processor that knows their solutions like the back of their own hand, one that can help you at any given time, whenever you call.

Now that you know why you should leave payment processing to the big guys, maybe it’s time to just buy tickets to the show and enjoy the fine things about hobbits, like their plentiful cupboards.

Photo credit: Anup Shah

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